Out of the shadows

This is my story of being forced to come out to my parents as gay by my highschool principal. Keep in mind during the story that I go to a private Christian school in the middle of the Bible Belt.

Nothing hurts more than to be betrayed. To be betrayed is the worst of feelings. I was recently dragged out of the closet. I’m not going blame it on any one person but myself, because in the end I just wasn’t careful enough. 

     Whenever you you are gay in high school the stakes are always much higher. For me I got greedy. I told one of my closest friends what had been running through my head, and the depression I had faced during the prior years do to being closeted. She was extremely excepting. This exceptance made me want to tell the rest of my friends. That was probably my biggest mistake. With each person who knew a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I only told those who I trusted. I told maybe a total of 5 people in one month. But it only takes one eavesdroper to spread the story like a wildfire. Soon the entire school was talking about me. I was the only out gay man in the history of the school to walk those halls. It was empowering but terrifying. I was called faggot and queer on multiple occasions but that didn’t matter to me. I had friends that cared about me and defended me. 

     One day I was just heading to class before the morning bell rang, when I got a text from the school principal asking me to meet him in his office. I walked into his office with my head held high and my heart beating out of my chest. I was in their for maybe 10 minutes waiting on him to arrive but it felt like an eternity. I knew this day was coming so I had a battle plan. Deny everything I could. If they had no proof then I could walk free. So my many hours spent binge watching Sherlock went into practice. Instead of waiting around for him to show up I decided to snoop through his desk. I found a series of text conversations that where printed out that seemed premescious but had no pertaining to my situation. So I knew that he probably had nothing to go on but word of mouth.

    When he finally showed up I was extremely nervous but my face didn’t show it, and all my years of lying where leading up to this moment. He asked me a series of questions and most of them where extremely offensive. But when he got to the big inquiry I was already forming the word no on my lips. But just as I used to struggle with saying “I am gay” out loud I now couldn’t make myself say the opposite. I flat out told him the truth. 

    He continued to accuse me of recruiting middle schoolers. Asking me if their where others. I didn’t answer his ridiculous questions because they where absurd. But for someone who’s privacy was being violated I was being as polite as possible. Towards the end of the endeavor he told me I had twenty four hours to tell my parents. That was the scariest moment of my life all of my fears where racing through my head at once. Would I be kicked out or punished. I then continued to avoid both my principal and my parents.

     I wrote a letter to my mom explaining most things I been keeping from her all these years. I emailed it to her from school because I couldn’t say it to her face. And of course she didn’t check her email that entire day. So I logged into her email and deleted it. My principal called me multiple time asking me if I had told them and I kept dodging the call. It all worked out but it didn’t make it any less scary.

I was not the only one he talked to about this. He called in two of my close friends and asked them the same series of questions. EXCEPT HE CALLED THEIR PARENTS IN BEFORE TALKING TO THEM. And of course either their conservative parents in the room they had to say no. He put three lives in jeopardy and he stepped over a line, but since I am stepping into my senior year I can’t fight back. 

    So this June is my first pride month as a completely out gay man. I feel free yet caged. My parents know who I am now but they choose to ignore it. I will survive but my heart is heavy on the idea that my parents see me completely different.

Lost, Looking, Loosing

Who am I? I am lost. I am dazed and confused. Why does love continue to taunt me? I see couples so happy in the streets. My past attempts at doing the same come back to haunt me in my dreams. Why can’t I be happy? I try to find it in each day I live. It continues to evade me. Why does my family treat me like an  outsider? I slip through each room praying to avoid there inquisitive eyes. They judge and bash me for being myself. Why do I hide? The emotions I truly feel never make it to the surface. They tear me up from the inside. How do I change the effect people have on me so that I can just be happy instead of hiding?

Confined Constrained Convoluted

Lost in admiration, filled with deprivation, I give into his administration. He takes over my body and everyone knows it. They can see it in my eyes the way they flutter between objects. They hear him in my voice as its anxious and indecisive. I couldn’t take back control if I tried….and believe me….I tried. Lost in the caverns of my own despair stumbling in the darkness that was brought about by my own malintent. I do not give in to him; I fight back, revealing the tremors of my hands. Someone may notice and help me from my anguish…but no one does. They look right into my eyes and see the pain in which they try so hard to hide, but they do nothing about it. When they ask me “how are you”, I struggle to put into words the depths of my situation and when I try to release the screams that echo through my very being: the man inside me replies, “I’m fine. How are you?”

 

via Daily Prompt: Nervous

Don’t let him know what goes on when he is not around.

Friends for years. Blinded by the adrenaline. Intrigued by his animosity towards their ignorance. His rebuttal to their outspoken bigotry. Awestruck by his comprehension of the theoretical. His ability to forgive the unforgivable. I would go anywhere for him; he could lead me to the worst of realms and I would still have nothing but admiration for his insistent need to acquire a better future. The only future I see worth living is one were I am by his side. Too bad he only needs me on occasions, he has found himself and is no need of others. He has a strong sense of independence, but I can’t help but get lost in the depths of his eyes and the mysteries of his soul. It’s enticing and I just can’t seem to look away, to leave his side long enough to find myself. He may be my demise but for now he is the only one on whom my fate lies. What is his secret to his abundant happiness? Whenever he is around he brings joy into the midst of nothing but sadness.